 I awoke with a start this morning as though I were on a mission. With curiosity I looked at the clock and it was 3:57 AM. Although it has been two years, I feel mixed about the time. It feels like it was so long ago and yet, I see myself moving through that time like it was yesterday. Two years ago today, in the early morning hours, Jeff left my world. Did he shake me awake today to remind me? I feel fortunate that Jeff called out to me. In those last two years I was ever near, yet on that morning Jeff had moved from his chair to the bed without waking me. He cried out to me. I lay on the couch, confused because he weren't there. It took me only a moment to clear my head - there was something different, urgent, in his voice. I was propelled into action, flying off the couch and racing down the hall to find him on the bed, writhing in pain. I searched frantically for the Nitro tablets only to find empty bottles. I dialed 911. I raced to fling open the front doors. The EMT had visited before and I knew they would walk in without knocking. Instinct told me this event was different. I'm so blessed I had those last minutes with him. I cradled Jeff in my arms and told him help was on the way. I spoke words of love and comfort to him. My lips against his ear, I must have whispered "I love you" a hundred times. The only other words rushing from my depths were to tell him not to leave me. Suddenly. the emergency team was there, filling the room. Time seemed to speed up and I watched while they worked on him. As I answered questions my eyes watched the team work with pronounced urgency I hadn't seen in past episodes. Little papers seemed to float and almost suspend in the air. Later, I would clean up packaging from all the sterile things they pulled from their kits. One of them spoke, "We have to get him to the hospital - NOW!" They lifted Jeff as though he were weightless, laying him on a crash cart. With the emergency team hovering, Jeff disappeared down the hall, out the door and into the ambulance. In hurried words I let the crew know I was right behind them - as soon as I could dress and drive to the hospital. We each choose how, when and where to leave our human body. I understand this so clearly now. I was not to be there when Jeff actually died. But it must have looked comical that morning, my trying to make it to the hospital. I dressed hurriedly and ran to the car. Damn! It wouldn't start! No recent problems with it but that morning it wasn't going to take me to the hospital. I jumped out and looked at the neighbor's houses. It was so early no one was up, no one was moving around; it was still dark. I ran back to the house and called for a cab, then returned to the curb. Adrenalin racing, I paced the sidewalk impatiently. The cab didn't come. I ran back to the house and called the cab company again. Somehow they got the address wrong! They apologized and said they were near and would be there directly. As soon as I hung up I got a call from the hospital. They wanted to know if I was going to come over. "YES!" I shouted - "as soon as the cab arrives!" I hung up with them and froze. They never called me before. Of course, they never had to wait on me in the past and I was never needed, always gently pushed aside while Jeff was cared for. WHERE WAS THE CAB? I paced in and out of the house. A second call came from the hospital. The caller let me know that I was to stop at the Emergency desk on my way in. WHERE WAS THE DAMN CAB? My gut was twisted; I was overwhelmed with dread. From deep within I knew what had already happened. My body began to understand too. I started slowing down - my mind and body were already accepting what my heart didn't want to face. I looked around for the first time that morning. It had turned light, the sun coming up and the early Autumn air was cooling me as I now sat patiently. The cab finally arrived and I was on the way. I knew my actions were after the fact. At the hospital I was guided into a small side room where a Chaplin waited. I wanted to scream, to run away! It seemed as though I were walking through a dream. If only I would wake up! The Chaplin made small talk until she saw I wasn't going to be social. With tears brimming, I told her, "I know what's happened". She said I needed to speak with the doctor and then she drew into herself and I could see her relief. I knew I was there for that announcement. A funny thought crossed my mind. I wondered if the doctors hung out in their break area, not wanting to voice the news to family, perhaps trying to get someone else to do it. I felt compassion for them - it had to be one of their toughest tasks. I thought, "Come on, Doc, I already know. Just say the words so it's out there". It seemed like hours passed even though it really wasn't long before the doctor walked in. I stood and faced him, looking into his eyes as he spoke. His words seemed to hang in the air as I took them in one by one. On this morning, two years ago, my life dramatically changed. My best friend, my buddy and partner - the love of my life - left his pain behind, along with his weary human form, and became a part of the spiritual world which exists in and around me. Yes, Jeff chose his time with intent. His intention was to ascend to the spirit world while I was forced to take time to slow down, begin to take it in and become calm. If time had not elapsed before I arrived at the hospital I would have literally flown apart. I would have been difficult to deal with. I would not have faced the truth with an open heart. I would have pushed it all away, full of denial. I wouldn't have been prepared for the finality of those words before they exploded into my understanding. Jeff's spirit was vibrant in life. He lived well, laughing and loving through the years. We had a spectacular life together. His spirit remains near as well as vibrant. Many curious phenomenon take place in my life. Jeff's energy continues to exist and has only changed form. Only hours after his death, Jeff appeared to a close friend while others felt his presence and heard him speak. It was later that day when I first experienced his spiritual nearness. He came to me singing the song "Always and Forever". As bizarre as it may seem to others, I was given the gift of seeing his form several times. Many of us continue to occasionally see him and hear from him. Living in a world of time, space and form, we humans have the wondrous ability to "see" beyond. I have chosen to be open to these experiences because they bring comfort, delight and greater spiritual understanding. I'm so very, very blessed to have had the opportunity to love and live part of my life with Jeff. The period of consummate grief has passed. Writing the poem "Loved by Jeff" and releasing his ashes marked the end of that moment-to-moment grief where I existed for so long. In recent weeks I've been experiencing the joy of living in the present and the urgency to move on at a greater pace. I sorely miss Jeff in my human life. Wonderful memories and laughter at our times together are great comfort to me as I move forward without the fear of death. For death is only a breath away and he will be there. I love you my darling Jeff, always and forever... |
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